Thursday, November 23, 2017

I'm Thankful for...

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be Thankful for.
I may not have much but I have a roof over my head.
I've lost a lot but I still have my health.
I may not be able to walk well, but I can still walk.
I thought I was alone, but I have a few friends.
I have my cat, who always makes me smile...even when she's being stubborn.
I may not have school anymore, but I'm still learning.
I may have lost a couple of friends this year, but I've gained so much more in the terms of angels and extended family.

I won't lie...it's been a VERY. VERY. ROUGH. couple of years...but I 
SURVIVED!

I thought my life was good, and two years ago I came back from a school trip to a nightmare.
I had lost my husband and my belongings all in one action....I had to start over.

You never know just how much strength you have until you are tested, and I'm happy to say I'm STRONG.
I may have lost the love of my life, but it wasn't because of anything I did...he was unhappy, he made the decision that resulted in his accident, and everything after that.

I still have a long way to go with recovering from his assault, and I may never fully recover, but I've forgiven him.  A part of me still loves him, and will always love him, but I know now that we will never be together again.  He is still unhappy with his life, and he is trying to shift the blame to me...but the truth is...I did everything for him.  

I may still struggle with being alone, but I know...in the darkest of moments I have friends that are more than friends...they're family.  I know that no matter what, I will survive...and I'm a stronger person because of everything.

I will admit...every day is a struggle.  A struggle to maintain some semblance of normal...but I have a new normal and I'm trying to find it. I struggle with self-worth, like just about all other domestic violence survivors, I still blame myself...but I'm working on that also.  
I struggle with the after effects of his assault...and knowning that I couldn't have done anything to prevent it.  

The Masons expelled him for a reason...he's not a good person, no matter what he says.  He lies, he is extremely violent, and he should still be in prison (but knowing him and his temper he will be back there soon).

Most of all, I'm Thankful to be alive...there are times when I doubted my reason for being here.  But I know I'm here for a reason.  Maybe it's to tell my story, maybe it's to help that one person reading this and saying..."I can do this too"
Maybe it's to make more mistakes and learn from them.

If you're reading this, let me know what you're Thankful for...maybe it will help someone else in the future.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Friday, October 27, 2017

It's really bad when you feel you're being bullied by a University!

So, yeah...I fought for my first Amendment rights.
The week that the school got the letter, is the same week that all this new mess started, and it's now spiraled so out of control, I don't know what to do.

So, I went from being nominated a committee chair to being impeached, yeah the advisor kinda let them throw the rules out of the window for that one....I wans't given a fair hearing.  They changed it after they set it for me, I wasn't allowed to change the date, but apparently they have the right to.  And then they didn't notify me that the date stood...so I never cancelled my plans and didn't show up to the impeachment hearing...got the verdict (which was written 5 days before) about 10 minutes after the hearing.  

Then...I was told to hand over a GMAIL account that was build for the Sergeant at Arms by another student.  GMAIL...not even a SFA email.  So, I did...before the deadline.  I told them I deleted everything, even though I put it all in one folder.  Apparently that is interfering with the living/learning environment because I had charges brough against me for Student Conduct by the advisor of the SGA, who happens to be the Dean of Student Affairs.  

Then the next morning I was told that I changed the password of said GMAIL account.  I spent the entire weekend trying to think of ways to help them get into the account, and of course there was NO COMMUNICATION...

So, that's the first conduct case.  Dated:August 30.  Then there's the Erica incident.  She asked me to not talk to her, I quit talking to her, and yet the wench (for lack of a nicer more family friendly name) filed harassment charges on me.  This was September 19.  Soooo...that's conduct case number 2.  

Now here's the really funny thing....
I got both letters about half an hour apart.  The first one was sent September 29, 2017 at 2:25 PM
The second one was sent September 29, 2017 at 2:52 PM.
AND...the case numbers are: 2017044101 and 2017044201 
Now....doesn't this seem a little odd that two cases sent so far apart are numbered sequentially, and I get them the DAY after I told Dr. Peck that I was putting information on the internet.  AND...here's the kicker...
According to The Code of Student Conduct, Section 10.4, this is what happens when they get a report:
"Upon receiving a report of an alleged violation of the Student Code of Conduct, the student conduct administrator will review the report and, if needed, conduct an initial investigation. If there is sufficient evidence to indicate that a violation may have occurred, a notice of allegations/charges will be sent to the respondent, including the alleged incident date and the nature of the charges, with instructions to appear in person at a designated location within five (5) business days to begin the student conduct process"
Then...regarding the investigation:
"The investigator mayalso gather and examine documents and other evidence relevant to the complaint and mayconsult with appropriate personnel for advice and guidance as applicable. The investigation should be completed within 20 business days. The investigator will document any reasons for an investigation taking longer than 20 business days. The investigation includes the preparation of the report of findings and recommendations (if appropriate). "

Why then was the first case, dated August 30, sent to me on September 29, 2017, a full 22 Yes you read that right TWENTY TWO BUSINESS DAYS after the fact.  
Oh yeah...the outcome of the first one:  I was found responsible because I SAID I DELETED FILES FROM THE GMAIL ACCOUNT, even though they were still there.  Apparently if you SAY SOMETHING ON THIS CAMPUS IT MUST BE TRUE...HECK...I SAY YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP AND PAY ME FOR ALL THIS BS.  Oh wait...it doesn't work that way does it...it only works when they want it to work.

So, I go to the first hearing.  I told them that day that I somehow lost the paperwork that had a stupid survery on it regarding the Student Code of Conduct policy.  I asked for the link to do the survery.  After the third email, and almost a week later I was told that they don't give the link out again because they expect students to keep up with the paperwork...that's all fine and dandy, IF SAID STUDENT PUTS THEIR OWN PAPERS IN THEIR OWN BAGS.  As it stands, I have an attendant.  I asked him to put the papers in my backpack on the back of my wheelchair.  I asked him to put them in the big section of my backpack.  Apparently, he felt the back section that he put them in was good enough because I couldn't find these papers until almost 10 days later. 
Which brings me to the new charges  (I THINK) Failure to obey a university official and providing false information to the university.

I found the paperwork totally by accident when I was cleaning out my backpack...actually I was looking for PMS stuff if you know what I mean, but it required cleaning out my entire backpack.  So, apparently providing false information to the university is a very punishable offense.  

Teacher: Did you read this chapter?
Student: Yeah
Teacher: If you had read the chapter you would have seen that such and such happened, it's one of the first things mentioned.

Result: Referred to the rights and responsibilities office.  Can you imagine what would happen if every student that provides false information at one time or another is sent to the office of student rights and responsibilities.  

Here's my question:  WHY ME?  WHY AM I THE ONE BEING SINGLED OUT FOR ALL THIS?  My guess is, and I'm fairly certain I'm 100% right about it, the University higher ups know that I've already filed one First Amendment complaint against the University.  I've also filed ONE ADA complaint, but several more to follow.  I'm calling the school out on their BS and inaccessibility, and I'm being punished for it.  At least that's what I think it is.  I mean, what else could it be?  Has any other student gotten into this much trouble for supposedly lying?  Has any other student gotten trouble for saying they deleted something?  

There's a theme here...if they want to get rid of me, then allow me to go to school at another college.  You want to be rid of me, fine....don't fucking tell me that you want me to stay her, and that  you are still rooting for me to graduate...i can only take so much BS.  And frankly, I'm done with the BS.  I'm putting all this out there.  The Dean of Student Affairs is Dr. Adam Peck, his office number is: 936-468-7249.  

I don't know what else to do with all this.  Yes there is a legitimate case here, but I can't afford the attorney to fight it.  Yes, I am very scared to go on campus to go to class, so scared that I'm to the point of taking a Xanax every day when I go on campus.  I go on campus, and then high tail it off campus every day.  I don't hang around, I have decided to shut out the entire world and just listen to my headphones every day. 

If anyone reading this knows an attorney that is warm hearted and will fight for those that can't afford to, or just fight for what's right, send them my way.  I just wan tto be left alone...please let me keep my dream of getting my degree.  

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Regrets...and Forgiveness

Have you ever regretted something so much that it hurts you to think about it?

Have you had so much regret that you think you're not worthy of forgiveness?

All my life, I've had regrets, and these past two years, I have had my fill of regrets.

Sometimes it makes me want to crawl into a corner, or under a table and just sit there.

I mean, who would really want to be with me if they knew what was inside of my soul?  Who would ever forgive the things I've done, who is willing to forgive me if I can't forgive myself?

I believe in forgiveness because it's how I have kept my sanity.

I forgave Mr. Sosa for sexually abusing me, even though the thought of him makes me nervous and taste bile...I almost want/need to throw up.
I forgave Pooky for the fights that we had, to the point that we were friends again when he died.
I have forgiven Stephen and the Carter's for keeping Emily away from me.
I've forgiven Mike for assaulting me, and I live with that reality every day.
I forgive my parents for their mistakes...because they were doing the best that they could with the skills they had at the time.

I also believe that if you don't forgive someone, it will eat you up inside.  Me, I have to forgive because it will kill me, as much as I hold grudges.  Yeah, I may be mad for a while, but then I forgive.  

I give chance after chance, everyone makes mistakes.  No one is perfect.  So, I have a question...

WHY
DO
PEOPLE
NOT
FORGIVE
ME?

I'm the first one to admit I'm not perfect.  I'm the first one to tell you what my flaws are because I'm working on makeing them better.  I will never be perfect.  Even though I strive for it.
I will have my bad days.  

I've lost so much this year...so very much.
Why spend your time on this Earth with such hatred in your heart?  Why do you not forgive?
Why are you holding grudges?

Most of the things I've done, I've done because I was provoked past the point of thinking clearly...again, first to admit I have a horrendous temper...but I'm working on it.  
I understand that time heals all wounds, and trust me when I say I still have quite a few knives in my back...but...why go through life hating people?  Who are you to judge?  

This is just me ramblng, and I apologize...it may not even be worth reading; but it was worth it for me to take the time out from homework to write this.

Remember, you could be taken from this Earth tomorrow, do you want to leave with such hatred in your heart?  When asked, "Can you forgive?" what will you say?  You will only forgive certain people, and that is if what they did isn't that bad.  

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

US Halloween Sale



Now that Halloween is almost here, Swagbucks has increased cash back at a big group of their Halloween-related stores, so you can earn cash back while getting costumes, decorations, and more for the end of the month. Just click here to see the deals, and sign up for Swagbucks (if you haven't already) to start earning cash back in the form of SB points, which you can exchange for gift cards or PayPal cash. The sale is going through October 31st, and if you sign up through me, you'll get a 1000 SB rebate ($10) after your first shopping purchase through Swagbucks!