Sunday, August 8, 2010

dreaming that stupid dream again

 I'm not talking about dreams, where you want something someday, I'm talking about the sleeping and hope you remember dreams. Today, I had a dream that, I do hold on to that someday will happen.

 
Monster woke up this morning at 0330 with teething pain and I ended up rocking him back to sleep. Of course that left me WIDE awake. So, I decided to get some work done and figured I would take a nap when he does around 0900ish. Yes, I got a lot of work done in the hours before anyone else woke up, including the kitten. And, Yes, I did take a nap at around 0945ish. I was exhausted by then because, after all, I went to bed at 0100!

 
Now, there's things in my past that I'm not proud of, and I'm sure everyone has those ghosts. Me, I tend to dwell on those coulda, shoulda, woulda moments. Today, while napping, I dreamed of Carol again. This is one of those mistakes that I regret.

BIG.
TIME.

 
She was like a second mother to me, and when I was divorcing my ex-husband, I did everything in my power to push everyone that had anything to do with him away, including the woman that I respected greatly. It's a defense mechanism of mine...if I push you away, then you can't hurt me like so many people have done while I was growing up. (I've had both of my parents say that they didn't want me.)

 
I dreamed today that Carol had invited me to her house, and I could see my daughter, and Leon. But, mostly, it was Carol. AND, she hugged me. I have yearned for that hug for over six years, and I'm still waiting in reality. But, oh it felt so good in my dreams. My own foster mom, Dandi, died last year, so I don't have a mother figure anymore.

 
When she hugged me, it was like everything was OK again between us and we could pick up where we left off. In my dream, it didn't matter so much that she let me see my daughter again, what mattered most was her forgiveness.

 
I make it a point to forgive people for wrongs that they've done to me and other people. I'm a forgiving person. I've forgiven the man that molested me, my father for beating me, both of my parents for using us kids as pawns in their nasty divorce game that is going on 20+ years later. Yes, I do tend to hold grudges and rarely forget and just a tiny bit of that trust that was there is gone...but I ALWAYS forgive. It's not up to me to judge, I leave that to God. It's up to me to make the best of a situation and learn from it.

 
So, I'm going to go to bed tonight with the hope that I hold on to for the future. That one day Carol will forgive me, and one day my daughter will know who I am.



Do you forgive?
I'm curious...