Thursday, November 29, 2012

It came out of nowhere...

I will admit...I'm a perfectionist...almost to a fault.
IT. KILLS. ME. IF. SOMEONE. IS. IRREPARABLY. ANGRY. WITH. ME.
I try anything to fix it, to repair what I've done in anger and I. CAN. DO. A. LOT. in anger.
It's taken me the better part of 35 years to learn to control my anger and I think I've done a good job.  
But, there are times, however few and far between, that I let my temper get the best of me.
One of those times was when I was in the middle of my divorce with Stephen.

I. FELT. BETRAYED. AND. HURT.
Hurt beyond all that I've ever felt. E.V.E.R.
I also try not to feel guilty about my past, but there are those times...those little times that bubble up to the tip of my emotions, and SLAP. ME. BACK. TO. REALITY.
And it's those times that are the worst.  I wonder.  I hope.  I pray.  That someday, someway she will forgive me for what I've done.  I hope for that one phone call that says, "I miss you."

You see, Carol (Stephen's mom) tried to comfort me, quite often.  She would give me a hug, and growing up the way I did, I wondered what she wanted with that hug.  NO ONE has EVER given me any affection without wanting something in return.  So, I was like the little kid that didn't understand what was going on.  I usually walked around the house in amazement as to how someone could ever LOVE and ACCEPT me for who I was, without asking anything in return.  But, Carol did...and I hurt her more than I've ever hurt anyone in the world.  So, what am I trying to say here...I really don't know.  All I know is this needed to be said.  
And another thing.  I MISS CAROL CARTER!       
I hope someday she will forgive me...for now, I have the memories...and I cherish every one!

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