Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Life with TBI

You know...I've said this before, and I will say it again...
Life with a person that has a TBI is not fun. 
Yes, there are good days, but lately the bad days outnumber the good.
We have just been coming off of a bad MONTH!!!
And, I got my usual (estimated) 4 hours of sleep last night and was woken up by someone laughing really loud...we won't say who. (wink)
So, what have I been doing?  Well, homework for one.
And, scrolling Facebook (that's a whole other post).

While scrolling, I came across this particular post from BrainLine.org about Trust.
You see, since DH had his surgery, and we found out that there was brain damage, it has been a battle for us.  Lately, there is no trust.  He has taken to password protecting all of his gadgets, and of course deleting text messages etc.  All my life it's been hard for me to trust people to begin with.  It is a very precious commodity that I do not give out often.  

The man that I fell in Love with is gone.  What is left is a person that is angry all the time, usually at me.  I live in a small town where there are no support groups that I know of.  And usually, when I turn to my friends, they say to leave him.  How can you leave someone when you KNOW THAT THE PROBLEM IS THE INJURY AND NOT YOUR SPOUSE?  

I know that he regrets yelling at me, most of the time.  I know that he is having a hard time understanding his feelings.  And to top all that off, is the added stress of graduating college (I'm so proud of him) and not being able to find a job.  It takes all of my strength to talk him down from a rage.  And, when Abby from BrainLine.org mentioned that there was "a look in his eyes" that she had never seen.  I KNOW THAT LOOK!!! I've experienced it.  And it is dangerous at times.  

When DH looks at me like that, I KNOW that it's not him, his eyes literally narrow.  It is a scary look, but I've learned to cope with it.  Yes, my marriage isn't perfect and I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with...but I also know that it takes strength to stay in the marriage.  Everyone tells me to leave, but I can't leave, because I know that there are times when the old hubby will filter through to the surface, and he will laugh and make jokes about me.  And those times are what keeps me going...however hard it can be.