Thursday, October 19, 2017

Regrets...and Forgiveness

Have you ever regretted something so much that it hurts you to think about it?

Have you had so much regret that you think you're not worthy of forgiveness?

All my life, I've had regrets, and these past two years, I have had my fill of regrets.

Sometimes it makes me want to crawl into a corner, or under a table and just sit there.

I mean, who would really want to be with me if they knew what was inside of my soul?  Who would ever forgive the things I've done, who is willing to forgive me if I can't forgive myself?

I believe in forgiveness because it's how I have kept my sanity.

I forgave Mr. Sosa for sexually abusing me, even though the thought of him makes me nervous and taste bile...I almost want/need to throw up.
I forgave Pooky for the fights that we had, to the point that we were friends again when he died.
I have forgiven Stephen and the Carter's for keeping Emily away from me.
I've forgiven Mike for assaulting me, and I live with that reality every day.
I forgive my parents for their mistakes...because they were doing the best that they could with the skills they had at the time.

I also believe that if you don't forgive someone, it will eat you up inside.  Me, I have to forgive because it will kill me, as much as I hold grudges.  Yeah, I may be mad for a while, but then I forgive.  

I give chance after chance, everyone makes mistakes.  No one is perfect.  So, I have a question...


I'm the first one to admit I'm not perfect.  I'm the first one to tell you what my flaws are because I'm working on makeing them better.  I will never be perfect.  Even though I strive for it.
I will have my bad days.  

I've lost so much this very much.
Why spend your time on this Earth with such hatred in your heart?  Why do you not forgive?
Why are you holding grudges?

Most of the things I've done, I've done because I was provoked past the point of thinking clearly...again, first to admit I have a horrendous temper...but I'm working on it.  
I understand that time heals all wounds, and trust me when I say I still have quite a few knives in my back...but...why go through life hating people?  Who are you to judge?  

This is just me ramblng, and I may not even be worth reading; but it was worth it for me to take the time out from homework to write this.

Remember, you could be taken from this Earth tomorrow, do you want to leave with such hatred in your heart?  When asked, "Can you forgive?" what will you say?  You will only forgive certain people, and that is if what they did isn't that bad.  

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