Sunday, April 22, 2018

One Year

The title says one year, but this is more like the past three years. 
But, one year ago today a very dear friend died.  
In the past year I've lost three people that are important to me.

How does someone move on from that?
These past three years have been hell for me; they would be hell for anyone even if they didn't have a divorce and was assaulted on top of everything else.

I've been through the ringer, I've pushed people away.  I've come very close to self-destruction...but I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I can just go somewhere and not tell anyone.
I've learned how to play Magic the Gathering.
I've learned how to sew and how to make books.
I've gotten a job and I've made bad decisions.
But those have made me.

So, I'm apologizing for withdrawing and I apologize to those that I've hurt.  
For the past three years, I've been alone.  I haven't had a relationship and I haven't been living with someone...it's been me for most of the time.  And this is a first for my life.  

Those who follow my blog, and who don't really talk to me anymore, I would like you to know that it may not seem like it all the time...but I'm OK.  

I'm incredibly lonely.  One day I will find someone that will not assault me, will not say I'm crazy and will not have an affair with someone else.  One day I won't be so lonely.  But until that day, I will wake up and put a smile on my face...and you won't know that I'm lonely or that I wish you would come over.  My door is always open if I'm home.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

I am ANGRY

So, my ex is out of prison...and me being the peacemaker I am, I was talking to him and trying to patch some things up.  
No, I never want to be in a relationship with him, but for the sake of my son, I want to at least be on talking terms with him.

Now, yesterday I had a doctors appointment.  Usually, my doctor says "disc disease" or something to that effect for my back.  Instead, yesterday, he actually said "cord injury".
HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS...

You see, I think he was avoiding saying it just as much as I was avoiding hearing it.  And last night, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

I was texting my ex and said I wanted to be left alone, and he said whatever it was it wasn't his fault. I said, actually it is your fault.
Then he had the audacity to say, "It's not because of me, I don't blame all my problems on you." Then he further said "I never touched you so it was not assault".  

Now, I'm fairly calm about things, but last night I really wanted to kill him.  For him to still deny what he did, and that he didn't do anything, it hurt me more than the assault.  

So, I'm ANGRY because it is because of him that I have trouble walking.  It is because of him that I didn't feel when my foot got burned last year.  It is because of him that I avoid going to stores because it takes me so long to get out of my van.  Yes, it is his fault that I'm in a wheelchair, that I have to wear braces if I want to walk at all, that my back hurts every day.  

So, I will say again, I am a domestic violence survivor.  I survived a very abusive marriage...with a man who is still convinced he did nothing wrong and this is all my fault.  

Guess what?  It's taken me a long time (and I still struggle with this) to admit that it was NOT MY FAULT.  I can not control his actions.  I can only control how I react to the situation.  I live my life in a wheelchair now, and I love my life.  

Yes, it gets very annoying, yes it gets old; especially on days like today when I got totally wet headed in to work.  Or days when my elbows and shoulders hurt.  Or when physical therapy hurts so much that my legs don't want to cooperate...but I do it.  I keep on rolling.  I make jokes about not walking, and having the best seat in the place.  

So, Yes, I'm very ANGRY that he thinks he did nothing wrong...but that's not my problem.  For now, I will go to bed, and sleep in my apartment, with my cat, in my bed.  I've worked hard for the things I have, and they may not be the best, but they're mine.  I love my life and I love my job.  

It has taken getting used to, but I'm surviving.  And as far as my ex, there's a reason you spent almost 2 years in prison.  There's a reason you were convicted of a felony...and not because "it's not my fault."