Wednesday, March 25, 2020

I wish I could craft

So this quarantine has everyone staying home.

What are you doing to pass the time?

Me, I really wish I was crafting...I would love to be sewing right now, anything.

This makes me think of what people did for entertainment 100 years ago.  They didn't have all the social media, they didn't have TV's, they just had each other.

I've found a few people that have been extremely helpful...
I'm able to park, until Friday at the Wesley Foundation, after that I have to ask again.  
I'm hoping I get paid on Friday, but I seriously doubt it...so I will have to find another place to park.

Today, the big thing is I'm applying for a job around noonish, then I'm going to come back to the park and clean out my van...I seriously hope the police let me finish it, as I'm going to have to take some stuff out of it, and the last time I did that, my LOVELY family called the police on me...like they have anything better to do.

I'm also going to practice walking a bit...hopefully by the time all this is done I can make it around the park...hopefully.

Other than that, my highlight of the day is watching the families that come to play at the park...most of them are practicing the social distancing, however there was one group yesterday that had THREE big families together...LOL...and one of them works in the Business Department at SFA.  I don't think they recognized me.  

Me....I'm going to take more pictures...I wonder if I can go to one of the parking garages and take pictures from the top...those would be really pretty!

That would have me on SFA, and I'm not to the point yet where I can go there without a panic attack, but I may try it since I will have my van right there and can vacate pretty fast if need be.

So, maybe I will get more blog readers with all this...maybe not.  I tried once to build my blog, that didn't work, so now it's for me to just write whatever I want...

So, leave a comment letting me know what you're doing. 
Leave a comment letting me know you're going stir crazy.
Or, just leave a comment telling me how crazy I am...I read all of them.

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

How do the Homeless "Stay at Home"?

This has really been bothering me.
There are so many people that are out there helping others, no matter how small that is.
I am giving rides to a friend that just got a job, and is trying to keep it.
However, this is keeping me from being able to go to the local homeless shelter, because they demand that I be there by a certain time, and that runs into the time I get my friend from work.
I've already given him my word that I will continue to give him rides, because at least he's trying.

What about the homeless in this time?
The places where we usually eat and spend our time are closed.
The food banks are closed.
There's no way for us to cook what food we do get from the food banks, if we were able to get them.

This is a Country build on the Christian faith.  We came here to escape persecution, and practice our religious beliefs, and I'm sure it says somewhere in the Bible (I'm not good at quotes like that) to help thy neighbor.  Aren't the homeless your neighbors?  

No matter what your opinion of them, no matter if you agree with their lifestyle, or their life choices, they are still people.  For me, I just want a shower...others may be a floor to sleep on, a bed would be fantastic!

I'm not going to stop helping my friend because it's the right thing to do.
No one else has stepped up to help him with rides to work.
No one else has even wondered if any of us are OK.
I haven't gotten calls from any family, text messages from friends...
My phone has been so silent, that at times I wonder if it's still working.

I'm more lucky than most.
I have a cot to sleep on, some shelter (even if it does leak), and I can get electricity.

However, my main source of food (through agreements and working odd jobs) closed yesterday.
So, now I'm worried...how am I going to survive this week with no food, and no money to get food.
I should be good once the end of the month hits and I get paid, but until then...I have nothing.
People who I thought were friends, have turned their backs on me.
People who I thought were good Christian people, that would do what is right, have been so absorbed in their own worlds, they've forgotten there are others less fortunate.

Even with the social distancing, I'm sure you make dinner...I'm sure you have some leftovers...how hard would it be to take those leftovers, and find someone that has nowhere to go, nothing to eat...Even if you leave it on a table for them, maintain the 6 foot distance, just let them know that you care and that you're trying.

I went to the park yesterday and saw three families go there and play...how about while you're out on your walk or something, you take some food and drink to the person you KNOW to be homeless and you KNOW where they hang out.  I promise you, we're creatures of habit...we will stay under our bridges, in our parking lot...wherever we feel safe, because we do feel safe there.  

And this whole shelter in place...how the heck can we "Shelter in Place" when we are threatened with a Criminal Trespass if we stay there, or we're told to leave...how many places do you know of that people used to spend their time there, only to have those places closed now?

My rant is over...I'm going to post this and cry a little more, because everything that I was taught growing up about being kind to others, about taking care of others, about treating others how you would want to be treated...Yeah, none of it is happening.  So, I will watch others Facebook live videos, I will participate, I will joke like nothing is wrong...but by myself...I cry...I"m beginning to lose that part of myself that wants to help others...that has faith.

P.S.  No I'm not asking for anything.  I have a place to sleep, and a place to park, even if it's only at night and I have to find somewhere else to go during the day.  I would love to just stay here for a couple of days and get things figured out, but was told it is only at night.  

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

An Open Letter to Marsha Cook

**I had written this and was going to mail it to  you, but then figured I would let everyone know exactly how I feel, and exactly what is going on.  I will not hide from you anymore.**

Dear Marsha,

First, this letter isn't going to say much because I know you're going to give it to Nathasha and she is going to post it on Facebook and ridicule me.  So, if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to actually call or write me a letter.

Second, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible person that you must protect yourself.  Have you thought about your actions and how they affect other people?  I think about that every day.  When I got the hat for you, there was also a note...it said "It's not much, but it's a start."  Apparently, you want more, and it's more than I can give.

Do you remember the plans we had?  That you would have your own house on land, exactly what you wanted.  I'm sorry that won't happen.  I'm am getting the settlement...the lawsuit will be going forward.  However, I will not buy a house and car for someone that allows family to be treated like you had everyone treat me.  YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT!  ANY TIME!! But you chose to just sit there.  Another thing, I will possibly be getting a really good job next month.  The only thing I have wanted to do is talk to you and try to make amends.  Just to say "I'm Sorry".  And I haven't even been able to do that.

What hurts me the most is, that after EVERYTHING we've been through, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.  I NEVER thought that you would do this.  We've run from Speedy together, we've had hard times, didn't know what we were going to do or where we were going to go  and yet it was US.  And, yet, now, it seems like I don't exist.  Now, after everything...I'm alone.

You've said it yourself...I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED YOU DAILY. I was the only one that dropped everything for you.  I would have moved mountains for you.  Anything...until the day I died...but I'm not able to.

I have to say, I miss being with you.  And for my own sanity, I have to tell myself that you're dead.  I will also be telling James that you died because I can't bear to see the hurt in his eyes when he asks if you want to see us yet and I have to say "NO".  I wanted to write you this letter first and let you know what I'm doing.  This way, we can both move on and heal.

There have been so many times where something has happened and my first thought was to call you, and then be heartbroken because I can't call you.  I think that's what I miss the most, is being able to call you every day.

So, this letter is my "Good-bye". Goodbye to you and any thought of you.  I cannot continue to do this to myself and the only thing I can say is "you had your chance."  This is the only way I can survive.  The only way I can get some sense of being OK.  Because this is NOT OK for me.  My life is not OK.  There is a huge hole now in my life.

There are some things a woman hides in her heart.  Missing you is going to be one of them.  I don't smile as easily and my joy has had to be put away.  People have noticed the haunted look in my eyes.  People have noticed that I hide a tear once in a while.

Love,
Marci

*
I know a lot of you will wonder why I chose to do it this way, and it's because I don't think a letter mailed to my mom will get to her at all.  I am not afraid to say I SCREWED UP. But I am also not afraid to say, I learn from my mistakes and I forgive people...I just wish there was forgiveness for me.


Friday, February 21, 2020

Communication Problems with Stubborn Family

Stubborn??? That's the least of it. 
See, I've grown up, I can be professional, I CAN FORGIVE...
which is more than I can say for my family.

The past six months have been heartbreaking.
They have been emotionally scarring.
They've been, for lack of a better word...
HELL!

What kind of person would bully their own child?
What kind of person would instruct their caretaker to assault their child?
What kind of person would do this?  Knowingly?
Marsha Jean Cook...otherwise known as the person who gave birth to me.
I am not calling her my mother anymore, because a mother would not do this.
A mother is supposed to care for and protect their children.

I am still scared to let my family know where I am...specifically...though I think they have an idea.
I'm scared to let anyone get close to me anymore because of all this.

I thought growing up knowing that your parents didn't want you was bad...but for your mother to say she's changed, only to be worse to me than ever growing up was a nightmare.

I saw an old high school teacher in December right after most of this happened, and the first words out of her mouth were, "I can't believe your mom did this to you AGAIN".  
AGAIN....my mom did this while I was in high school, and like a stupid child, I believed her when she said things would be different.  
Her own sister said that she should never have had kids, that she was too selfish...
And still I believed her.

I've been told not to post this; not to write an open letter to my mom...
but if that's the only way to let her know how I feel, 
How I HURT
How I feel BETRAYED
How I feel HOPELESS
Then I will do it...I will put everything out there that what she did was horrible....and I'm not saying in the least that I'm innocent, because I did some horrible things to, but I OWN THEM...
I don't blame others for what I did.
I have also TRIED to MAKE AMENDS and Ask forgiveness.
I believe in FORGIVENESS...I believe in giving another chance...because 
PEOPLE LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

Me, I've learned that my family will always be toxic
AND SELFISH
AND MEAN
AND HURTFUL
AND MANIPULATIVE
AND BACKSTABBING

I've learned not to trust them anymore.
I've learned not to believe anything that comes out of their mouths because it's usually LIES!

So...Marsha Jean Cook.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I'm sorry for lashing out when I was being bullied and harassed by people that you paid.
I want to badly to talk to you, and try to patch things up.

I do miss talking to you every day.
I miss telling you the things I've discovered or learned.
I miss telling you the funny things that happen to me (like I broke TWO NEEDLES trying to bind a book).
I miss making you laugh.
I miss learning with you.
I miss trying to introduce you to new things.
I miss exploring with you.
I miss you watching me make jewelry.
I miss making jewelry for you.
I miss introducing you to new shows to watch on Netflix.
I miss teaching you what your phone would do.
I miss all of this.

When I bought you the diamond earrings, you cried because no on had ever gotten them for you.
When I bought you the stuffed animal after your hip surgery, when NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE...you cried because NO ONE had thought to get you anything while  you were in the hospital.

When you told me the wrong direction to someplace and started crying because you thought I would yell at you, I was hurt.  I was hurt because Letty did that to you, and taught you to be afraid to make a mistake.  I was hurt because your own daughter did this to you. 
And, you choose to be around this now.  You have chosen to be around the same people that have yelled at you, made you late to your appointments, made you scared to make a mistake.  And yet, me, who just laughed and said "we get to learn a new way", me, you choose to cut out of your life.

This sounds like classic elder abuse, yet no one will listen to me because I'm the one that everyone teamed up against and pushed out.  I made sure you went to all of your appointments.  I made sure you did what you wanted to do.  Sometimes, paying for it out of my own pocket.  

One day, you will see what is really happening, and I hope that day comes soon...before you've lost me forever.
This is my Good Bye to you.

This is my closure.
I don't even have a phone number for you, and that's OK with me.  
Even though I have been cold and hungry most days these past couple months, I know I'm a good person.
I know that I did the best I could for you.
Now, I have to hope.
Hope that someone realizes this before it's too late.
Hope that someone can intervene before you lose everything, including your freedom.

You once said to me that your biggest fear was being put in a nursing home...and yet...
How is that going?
You're unable to keep people working for you...why is that?
I was there for free...and yes...I've learned a lot.
I've changed a lot in these past couple months...I'm not even sure you would recognize me if you saw me.

So....this isn't exactly a letter, but it's me speaking my feelings.  It's me speaking out because I know things are not good with you, but you won't let the people that care about you the most around you.

So, if someone in a position of authority reads this blog...please check out all the circumstances regarding all this.  This woman is being abused...to the point she is scared of her own family, and I fear for her safety.  I fear for her mental well being.  What people would buy all these gifts for an elderly person that they have just known a couple months when these people are struggling themselves?  What people would do this?  Nathasha and Gilbert (Bubba) Hise are the ones that started all this, and yet, no oneis investigating them or their motives.  Their own daughter accused them of abuse, and yet they're allowed to be around elderly who can't speak up for themselves.

So, I ask you...who is really the worst person?
Who are the people that are putting my mother in harms way?