Friday, February 21, 2020

Communication Problems with Stubborn Family

Stubborn??? That's the least of it. 
See, I've grown up, I can be professional, I CAN FORGIVE...
which is more than I can say for my family.

The past six months have been heartbreaking.
They have been emotionally scarring.
They've been, for lack of a better word...

What kind of person would bully their own child?
What kind of person would instruct their caretaker to assault their child?
What kind of person would do this?  Knowingly?
Marsha Jean Cook...otherwise known as the person who gave birth to me.
I am not calling her my mother anymore, because a mother would not do this.
A mother is supposed to care for and protect their children.

I am still scared to let my family know where I am...specifically...though I think they have an idea.
I'm scared to let anyone get close to me anymore because of all this.

I thought growing up knowing that your parents didn't want you was bad...but for your mother to say she's changed, only to be worse to me than ever growing up was a nightmare.

I saw an old high school teacher in December right after most of this happened, and the first words out of her mouth were, "I can't believe your mom did this to you AGAIN". mom did this while I was in high school, and like a stupid child, I believed her when she said things would be different.  
Her own sister said that she should never have had kids, that she was too selfish...
And still I believed her.

I've been told not to post this; not to write an open letter to my mom...
but if that's the only way to let her know how I feel, 
Then I will do it...I will put everything out there that what she did was horrible....and I'm not saying in the least that I'm innocent, because I did some horrible things to, but I OWN THEM...
I don't blame others for what I did.
I have also TRIED to MAKE AMENDS and Ask forgiveness.
I believe in FORGIVENESS...I believe in giving another chance...because 

Me, I've learned that my family will always be toxic

I've learned not to trust them anymore.
I've learned not to believe anything that comes out of their mouths because it's usually LIES!

So...Marsha Jean Cook.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I'm sorry for lashing out when I was being bullied and harassed by people that you paid.
I want to badly to talk to you, and try to patch things up.

I do miss talking to you every day.
I miss telling you the things I've discovered or learned.
I miss telling you the funny things that happen to me (like I broke TWO NEEDLES trying to bind a book).
I miss making you laugh.
I miss learning with you.
I miss trying to introduce you to new things.
I miss exploring with you.
I miss you watching me make jewelry.
I miss making jewelry for you.
I miss introducing you to new shows to watch on Netflix.
I miss teaching you what your phone would do.
I miss all of this.

When I bought you the diamond earrings, you cried because no on had ever gotten them for you.
When I bought you the stuffed animal after your hip surgery, when NO ONE ELSE WAS cried because NO ONE had thought to get you anything while  you were in the hospital.

When you told me the wrong direction to someplace and started crying because you thought I would yell at you, I was hurt.  I was hurt because Letty did that to you, and taught you to be afraid to make a mistake.  I was hurt because your own daughter did this to you. 
And, you choose to be around this now.  You have chosen to be around the same people that have yelled at you, made you late to your appointments, made you scared to make a mistake.  And yet, me, who just laughed and said "we get to learn a new way", me, you choose to cut out of your life.

This sounds like classic elder abuse, yet no one will listen to me because I'm the one that everyone teamed up against and pushed out.  I made sure you went to all of your appointments.  I made sure you did what you wanted to do.  Sometimes, paying for it out of my own pocket.  

One day, you will see what is really happening, and I hope that day comes soon...before you've lost me forever.
This is my Good Bye to you.

This is my closure.
I don't even have a phone number for you, and that's OK with me.  
Even though I have been cold and hungry most days these past couple months, I know I'm a good person.
I know that I did the best I could for you.
Now, I have to hope.
Hope that someone realizes this before it's too late.
Hope that someone can intervene before you lose everything, including your freedom.

You once said to me that your biggest fear was being put in a nursing home...and yet...
How is that going?
You're unable to keep people working for you...why is that?
I was there for free...and yes...I've learned a lot.
I've changed a lot in these past couple months...I'm not even sure you would recognize me if you saw me.

So....this isn't exactly a letter, but it's me speaking my feelings.  It's me speaking out because I know things are not good with you, but you won't let the people that care about you the most around you.

So, if someone in a position of authority reads this blog...please check out all the circumstances regarding all this.  This woman is being the point she is scared of her own family, and I fear for her safety.  I fear for her mental well being.  What people would buy all these gifts for an elderly person that they have just known a couple months when these people are struggling themselves?  What people would do this?  Nathasha and Gilbert (Bubba) Hise are the ones that started all this, and yet, no oneis investigating them or their motives.  Their own daughter accused them of abuse, and yet they're allowed to be around elderly who can't speak up for themselves.

So, I ask you...who is really the worst person?
Who are the people that are putting my mother in harms way?

Monday, January 20, 2020

Advice from Friends, More Decisions and Update

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of months, and I have a feeling it's just beginning.

I'm facing a few more difficult decisions, and we all know how I am with decisions...
eeny meeny miney moe is my best friend!!

Soooo, I guess I should give you an update goes.
I'm stuck where I'm currently at because I was headed out and got a was close to another friend, so I called them.  They sent out another friend, and wham bam, I'm now out a rim and tire.

And because I used all the cash I had to get the radiator fixed, I don't have anything to get a new rim.  Hence, the STUCK!!!
 Poor Petunia is sitting on a cinder block right now.
On the first, I will be able to get a new rim, and there is a lovely gentleman that has offered me (I believe) all four rims for $50, I hope...LOL.  If not, I can always get the rim and a new tire.  So, more funds goes into the van, but that's OK because I know that just about everything is good and new on her...which is also good because of the other decision I've made.
Which is....

I will be traveling.  The thought of moving into an apartment or anyplace right now scares the crap out of the point of a panic attack if I think about it too long.
I've been lied to, abused, and all out hurt by anyone that has offered me a place to live (I'm not talking about my wonderful friends that have offered me their sofa or floor for a couple nights when the weather got really cold) so I'm just going to stay in the van and travel for a little while.  I think it would be good for my soul and also healing because I really need to step back (as it were) and just heal from the traumas of the past FIVE YEARS!!!

When I came back from Chicago, I went into survival mode, and I haven't stopped to actually heal from any of those events...and because of that, I've done nothing but spiral and self-destruct since then.  And, I'm pretty much at the bottom.  I have very, VERY few friends left that have put up with me, and to those, I say from the bottom of my heart....


Starting next month, because, well, this month SUX, I'm going to be traveling and camping in my van wherever I go.  I think I have just about everything I need (except a deep cycle battery for Petunia), and I think I'm ready for this huge jump.  

To those friends that I've pushed away; I'm so sorry I didn't listen, or told you to go to H***, or F*** Off, or any of those other wonderfully colorful expletives, I hope you give me a second chance, or third chance, or even the billionth chance, because I'm a work in progress, and I'm still learning...and healing.

Now, another decision...where to go first?  Next month is going to be tight, so it might be local, or a small distance, but I am not sticking around here...that's for sure.  I've been hurt way too much to stick around!! (That includes the not so wonderful Killeen Police Department, who just stood by and let a majority of this happen.)

Now, I know you're saying, you're braver than I am, because I could NEVER just drive like that, but trust me, it's not's self preservation.  
There's nothing for me really anywhere...I've lost my family, I've lost a lot of friends, I've lost my school (I do hope I can go back someday)....what's left?
On a side note, I had a friend post this the other day, and it doesn't take takes FAITH to do all this!!

I will, however, have to return to my "home" town once a month for doctors appointments.  And I need to find a mailbox there that I can use, but right now, it's just go.

As I embark on this journey, I will post updates.  I've decided, I'm not going to let my family scare me into hiding...I'm not going to let them scare me into anything anymore!  I may have cowered since November, and been scared to death of them, but no more...they can live their life and I will live mine because frankly, I don't care anymore.  They've blocked my number, and my life is a lot easier that way...except for an emergency when I have to get hold of some family.  That's when doing the grownup thing and just not calling comes in handy...and trust me....I don't call, but you can at least unblock the phone for emergencies, or other situations...Like when I accidentally get mail for them!!! But that's another side note.

So, now to decide where to spend the month of February.  Is there anyone that wants to see me particularly?  Any place I should visit?  Any sites to see...of course keeping in mind that it's going to be a low funds month as I catch up so it needs to be kinda local.  

I'm also planning on getting myself a little stove top for the van, and then the deep cycle battery.  I think what I'm going to do is add my wish list here, and have my mailbox as the delivery for anything that people might want to gift me. There's still a lot that I need for the van, but as of right now, it's very livable and comfortable...not the best but it works.

I've also caught up with a couple of people from my past, and I'm really hoping that one of those turns into something else...but time will tell.  

Now the advice from friends...
It appears I act untrustworthy, and I've tried to be open and honest with everyone, so if you don't trust me for some reason or another, I find that a problem, and would like to remedy that.  It really hurt when this friend said I had ulterior motives for doing things, and seriously, I do things to do them and be nice.  I NEVER expect anything in return, and I understand if that is something that people don't quite get...I'm old fashioned that way.  So, when I do things, it's not for Brownie points, or anything like that, it's me being nice.  That's it, end of story...nothing else to follow.  Half the things I do, are completely random and anonymous.

Example:  One act of kindness that I used to do every week, the people in charge wanted to find out who was doing it...after THREE years of doing this, they finally caught me and said thank you...I don't do it for recognition or anything like that...I do it because it makes ME feel better, and it brings a smile to the people it helps.  To this day, I don't know who this random act of kindness has helped, though I've heard stories...I don't know how many people it has helped, and no one has caught me doing it.  That's the random in random acts of kindness, and yes, when I'm in Nacogdoches, I will continue to do it, however I don't plan on being in Nac anytime soon.

Yes, I'm (as one other person put it) BRUTALLY HONEST!!  If you don't like it, or can't tolerate it, then again...maybe it's best we part ways.  

So, this is what's going on...kind of a long update, and I apologize for that.  I know that some of you will say, "You've been fine since I've known you", but I haven't...I've been hurt and just in survival mode, and I want to start living again.  

So, for those from my past that are still here, Thank You...for my new friends that are still around, Thank You...and to my readers, Thank You.

And now, I wait for eleven more days until the end of the month when I can get that stupid rim.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Decisions to be made!

So, I've made some decisions.

I will not let my family make me live in fear.  
I will not shut down my blog, and I will not let them dictate my life by making it hell.

Instead, I will keep my blog, and social media.  
I will continue to live my life, even if it is obscure, and unplanned.
See...I don't exactly have to work.
I can get by on what I get every month, if I would quit having van emergencies!
So, next month should be really good.
Going on a job interview today opened my eyes and I realized that I really don't want to have a daily job right now.
I would love to do consulting, and putting my knowledge to good use, if only I can get hired for it.

Freelance work...I'm all over that!  After all, there are people that want what I can do, and I can go and do that.

So, I'm going to enter the world of freelancing and tutoring or something.
I am going to improve on my photography and schedule photo shoots.  I will need discs to hand out to people after I do a session, but I am pretty good at that.

So, that with doing my jewelry along with photography and everything else, I may actually be doing pretty good.

So...consultant/freelance photographer/jewelry maker for hire!

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

Is it Good-bye?

With everything that has happened in this past year, I am sad to announce that I will not be posting here as much.  

You see, with a family that stalks you, and wants to make your life hell, it's best not to do social media.


Be on the lookout for a new blog, I've already got the name and will be getting the domain next week...unfortunately I will be unable to post it here for fear of my safety and well being.

You can email me to find out what the new blog will be, or you can email me...
New Year...
New Name...
New Adventures...
And I wide open road.  

I will probably post some things here, but nothing like what I was doing and nothing that will say where I am or where I've been until after I've left that area!