Sunday, November 18, 2018

Thankful

As I reflect on these past 3 years, or 4 years, or even 5 years....
I realize that...

Again, I"m a lot stronger than I though I could ever be.

People will continue to amaze me, both with the good and the bad.

I have a lot to be Thankful for...
and a lot to be angry about.

I'm not letting my anger rule my life.

I have a few great friends, one fantastic non-husband, and an awesome job that I love most of the time.  

There are still days when I can't believe that my life took such a U-turn, or that I'm alone.  
I always thought I would be married and raising my family...boy was I wrong.

This Thanksgiving, I'm unable to continue my tradition of going to San Antonio because I have to work. However, I may go next week, but it won't be the same.  Or I may not go at all.  

Also, I'm a bit down this week.My KAFO's were giving me little sores, and we all know what that means...I can't wear them until 
1. The sores are cleared up 
2. They're either adjusted or more padding is added to cut down on the sores.
So, this means less standing and walking, and I really don't like being stuck to the wheelchair all the time...I like to get up the little bit that I can. LOL!
And this is one area where I know the risks, and I refuse to disobey doctors orders and wear them anyway, even though I badly want to!
However, I'm still wearing my AFO's to prevent my ankles from flopping everywhere, because that is a funny sight!  

So, all in all, I have a lot to be Thankful for, and I really shouldn't complain, but there are things I miss...
Going into the store real quick!
DANCING!!! (especially Two-Steppin)
Having someone that I can come home to that is happy to see me.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!  And I promise to write more often.


Sunday, April 22, 2018

One Year

The title says one year, but this is more like the past three years. 
But, one year ago today a very dear friend died.  
In the past year I've lost three people that are important to me.

How does someone move on from that?
These past three years have been hell for me; they would be hell for anyone even if they didn't have a divorce and was assaulted on top of everything else.

I've been through the ringer, I've pushed people away.  I've come very close to self-destruction...but I've learned a lot.

I've learned that I can just go somewhere and not tell anyone.
I've learned how to play Magic the Gathering.
I've learned how to sew and how to make books.
I've gotten a job and I've made bad decisions.
But those have made me.

So, I'm apologizing for withdrawing and I apologize to those that I've hurt.  
For the past three years, I've been alone.  I haven't had a relationship and I haven't been living with someone...it's been me for most of the time.  And this is a first for my life.  

Those who follow my blog, and who don't really talk to me anymore, I would like you to know that it may not seem like it all the time...but I'm OK.  

I'm incredibly lonely.  One day I will find someone that will not assault me, will not say I'm crazy and will not have an affair with someone else.  One day I won't be so lonely.  But until that day, I will wake up and put a smile on my face...and you won't know that I'm lonely or that I wish you would come over.  My door is always open if I'm home.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

I am ANGRY

So, my ex is out of prison...and me being the peacemaker I am, I was talking to him and trying to patch some things up.  
No, I never want to be in a relationship with him, but for the sake of my son, I want to at least be on talking terms with him.

Now, yesterday I had a doctors appointment.  Usually, my doctor says "disc disease" or something to that effect for my back.  Instead, yesterday, he actually said "cord injury".
HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS...

You see, I think he was avoiding saying it just as much as I was avoiding hearing it.  And last night, I just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

I was texting my ex and said I wanted to be left alone, and he said whatever it was it wasn't his fault. I said, actually it is your fault.
Then he had the audacity to say, "It's not because of me, I don't blame all my problems on you." Then he further said "I never touched you so it was not assault".  

Now, I'm fairly calm about things, but last night I really wanted to kill him.  For him to still deny what he did, and that he didn't do anything, it hurt me more than the assault.  

So, I'm ANGRY because it is because of him that I have trouble walking.  It is because of him that I didn't feel when my foot got burned last year.  It is because of him that I avoid going to stores because it takes me so long to get out of my van.  Yes, it is his fault that I'm in a wheelchair, that I have to wear braces if I want to walk at all, that my back hurts every day.  

So, I will say again, I am a domestic violence survivor.  I survived a very abusive marriage...with a man who is still convinced he did nothing wrong and this is all my fault.  

Guess what?  It's taken me a long time (and I still struggle with this) to admit that it was NOT MY FAULT.  I can not control his actions.  I can only control how I react to the situation.  I live my life in a wheelchair now, and I love my life.  

Yes, it gets very annoying, yes it gets old; especially on days like today when I got totally wet headed in to work.  Or days when my elbows and shoulders hurt.  Or when physical therapy hurts so much that my legs don't want to cooperate...but I do it.  I keep on rolling.  I make jokes about not walking, and having the best seat in the place.  

So, Yes, I'm very ANGRY that he thinks he did nothing wrong...but that's not my problem.  For now, I will go to bed, and sleep in my apartment, with my cat, in my bed.  I've worked hard for the things I have, and they may not be the best, but they're mine.  I love my life and I love my job.  

It has taken getting used to, but I'm surviving.  And as far as my ex, there's a reason you spent almost 2 years in prison.  There's a reason you were convicted of a felony...and not because "it's not my fault."  

Thursday, November 23, 2017

I'm Thankful for...

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be Thankful for.
I may not have much but I have a roof over my head.
I've lost a lot but I still have my health.
I may not be able to walk well, but I can still walk.
I thought I was alone, but I have a few friends.
I have my cat, who always makes me smile...even when she's being stubborn.
I may not have school anymore, but I'm still learning.
I may have lost a couple of friends this year, but I've gained so much more in the terms of angels and extended family.

I won't lie...it's been a VERY. VERY. ROUGH. couple of years...but I 
SURVIVED!

I thought my life was good, and two years ago I came back from a school trip to a nightmare.
I had lost my husband and my belongings all in one action....I had to start over.

You never know just how much strength you have until you are tested, and I'm happy to say I'm STRONG.
I may have lost the love of my life, but it wasn't because of anything I did...he was unhappy, he made the decision that resulted in his accident, and everything after that.

I still have a long way to go with recovering from his assault, and I may never fully recover, but I've forgiven him.  A part of me still loves him, and will always love him, but I know now that we will never be together again.  He is still unhappy with his life, and he is trying to shift the blame to me...but the truth is...I did everything for him.  

I may still struggle with being alone, but I know...in the darkest of moments I have friends that are more than friends...they're family.  I know that no matter what, I will survive...and I'm a stronger person because of everything.

I will admit...every day is a struggle.  A struggle to maintain some semblance of normal...but I have a new normal and I'm trying to find it. I struggle with self-worth, like just about all other domestic violence survivors, I still blame myself...but I'm working on that also.  
I struggle with the after effects of his assault...and knowning that I couldn't have done anything to prevent it.  

The Masons expelled him for a reason...he's not a good person, no matter what he says.  He lies, he is extremely violent, and he should still be in prison (but knowing him and his temper he will be back there soon).

Most of all, I'm Thankful to be alive...there are times when I doubted my reason for being here.  But I know I'm here for a reason.  Maybe it's to tell my story, maybe it's to help that one person reading this and saying..."I can do this too"
Maybe it's to make more mistakes and learn from them.

If you're reading this, let me know what you're Thankful for...maybe it will help someone else in the future.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING