You know, I just want to write. I don't have a clever title for my blogs, or anything like that.
This is the telling of my experiences, and my life.
And, sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that it just needs to be said.
Yes, I've neglected my blog for a while because I wasn't sure what to write, and I was trying to figure out what direction I wanted my blog to take. So, I'm not going in one direction, I'm staying true to myself and just posting what I feel, what I want to say, and what needs to be said.
Right now, what needs to be said is that I'm OK. I'm OK with my life. I'm OK with living in my van. I'm OK with being single. (Yeah, a significant other would be fantastic, but there's nothing on the horizon.)
I've always been a caretaker for other people, starting when I was 12 and my grandmother moved in with us. I would help her get dressed and help with things around the house. Then, I got married, and had kids. Now, I have none of that...it's just me, and I'm so lost right now because it is just me.
Who is Marci?
Who is this woman that is so broken?
Who is this survivor?
For the first question, I have no clue. I know what I like, I know about what I want, and I know that I need to become stronger.
Second question...that woman is a survivor.
That woman is a person that has been abused by her parents, her spouses, pretty much everyone that said "I love you" to me, with the exception of my children has hurt me one way or another.
Third question...that survivor is Marci. She is broken, but don't expect that to last. She has fought her way back to a semblance of peace before and can do it again.
It's one thing to be betrayed by people that are supposedly friends, however, for your own parent to do this to you is another story. A parent is supposed to protect their child, not bully them, not abuse them and make them feel like crap.
Even if the child is grown, they still look to their parents for protection, and when that protection is not there, the child learns they have to protect and defend themselves.
When I was 13, my parents (both of them) admitted they never wanted me. It took me the better part of 25 years to have a relationship with my mom because of this. On a side note, I forgave them for that a long time ago...more for my own sanity than anything. It started with phone calls to my mom daily. Then some visits. Then when I moved into my van shortly before Christmas last year, my mom said she was worried and didn't want me living in my van. She asked me to move in with her...she had a spare room and she wanted my company. So, I quit my job and moved to Killeen.
The week after I moved in with her, she fell and broke her hip. I believe that God wanted me there with her, because I advocated for her, and barely left her side while she was in the hospital and rehab...even sleeping on the little fold out cots they had. I met some awesome people and made some friends during that adventure.
Then, things turned. I've always said October is a bad month for me, even though it is my birthday month. The beginning of October saw me telling my mom that I was only going to do fundraising for a van or lift for myself. And, I explained why it was for me, because a van could hold two chairs, and if I got the van, DARS would convert it for me, versus her getting the van and me being stuck without a vehicle. She was not happy about that decision...she wanted me to give her a van, and go without one for myself. And, then things really started to get bad...
When she got her new "service dog" that is not even potty trained, she also bought over $100 of stuff for the dog and then the dog had to go to the vet, which was another $150, on top of the $200 she paid for the dog. So, I spent all my funds trying to pay her bills because she WANTED this dog...She WANTED to spend the money on what she WANTED. I NEEDED to get the bills paid. I lost my pool cue in the pawn shop, my jewelry that I had sized, and still haven't gotten my glasses because I put every penny into her bills and household. I've lost everything...and then....
When I came home from Nightfall, she told me that she was going to start keeping track of what her other worker did because the work wasn't getting done. The worker took my stuff from when I was sewing and put it in the doorway of my room, to where I couldn't even walk in there, and took pictures. THEN, she and my mom told the landlord I was destroying the room, and showed the landlord those pictures. Now, the blinds in the room were destroyed by my moms other dog, and the stains on the floor were from her dogs going to the bathroom on the floor...not from my mess...my room may be cluttered, but not totally messy.
The landlord is now trying to evict me, if my mom had waited until I got paid, like I promised, I would have willingly left the day I got paid...instead I'm waiting until I get the court order. This way, I don't have to rush out of the house, and I won't lose everything....again.
So, my mom of course cried out emotional abuse and then her other caretaker cried financial abuse, claiming I was stealing from my mom. First off, I made more money than her, and covered her bills...which can be proven. And, she was aware of every thing what was spent...EVERYTHING. I have text messages etc, and the money transfers when I transferred money to her account for her to pay the bills. I have proof otherwise, and since these allegations were leveled on me, there is an investigation...and the investigation will prove exactly this.
So, besides that...I lived through two weeks of literal HELL because my mom allowed her guests to bully and harass me. She allowed them to call me names, threaten me, threaten my cat...make me scared to be in my own house.
So, now....I've been betrayed by my own mother...I've been bullied and harassed by people I thought were friends. And, I've gone back into my safe haven...my van...good old Petunia. It's weird that a van will make me feel safe, but if you think about it...it's mine, and it's secure.
So, new start...Marci is broken, Marci has been abused and betrayed, and Marci is surviving all this. And coming through on the other side a stronger person. I am Marci, and I am a survivor....and this is just another bump in the road of life.