Tuesday, May 12, 2020

When You Wake Up Missing Someone...

I woke up this morning missing my Mom.
Not the woman who gave birth to me, but my Mom.
The one that raised me...

Loved me...
Sheltered me...
Taught me everything...

Showed me what a family is supposed to be like.

I miss Dandi.
She would be able to tell me what to do in times like this.
She would also be there to encourage me, and assure me that...

It.
Will.
Be.
Alright.

Dandi is the one that taught me my manners, she taught me everything that a parent is supposed to teach a child that my parents didn't teach me.

Maybe it's because I saw a bunch of Dandilions yesterday, and I know that is when she's telling me I'm doing the right thing...that I'm on the right path.

Maybe it's because I'm so worn down right now.
I don't want to fight anymore...
I don't want to scrape everything...
I want to go back to the life I had before this tornado, where I felt safe.
Where I worried, but at least had the things I needed.

Dandi is the one that was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
She offered me encouragement when I was to scared to try something new.
She also was not afraid to punish me when I had done something wrong.

With the world going crazy, and everyone being socially distant, Dandi would have been the one to tell me that we're still close, and together.  We will always be together.

On Mother's Day, I light a candle for Dandi.
Most days, she's on my mind, so many years later after she died...
I think of her every day.  I miss her every day.

And now, when I want so badly for someone to just talk to every day...just get on the phone and say 
"What's up?"
"How was your day?"
"This funny thing happened to me today..."
I got no one to call...no one to joke with...no one to talk to.

I am really good at pretending that everything is OK.
I'm really good and hiding the fact that I'm incredibly lonely.
I spend all day at the restaurant, I laugh and joke...
but when the time comes, I go home by myself...I do everything by myself.

Just once, I wish I had someone that I could call and say HI...I'm lonely and I'm having a bad day...please talk to me.  
And I know you're saying...but you're at a restaurant all day...however, I stay out of the way...I don't bother people when they're working, and I try not to be in the way.  
They sometimes talk amongst themselves, and I'm still sitting over here.

So, I read, or try to learn something new...or just browse the internet because my other computer is broken and I can't play MTG Arena.

And, to make myself feel better, I try to do things for other people.  
But, God, I miss being able to call my mom and say
I LOVE YOU!

So, Dandi, I know you're watching me...and I know you're guiding me.
I miss you so very very much. 
Because you at least wanted me, when my own parents didn't.